After a loss, particularly a traumatic one, we go through a grieving and healing process. And we will inevitably come across conversations, ideas, etc. that involve phrases like "letting go."
What does this really mean? And what do people think they are saying when they talk about letting go whether they have been bereaved, or are trying to offer comfort to the bereaved?
These days, I think it's too easy to hear it, like, "moving away from what or who was lost... putting it/them behind you. Forgetting..." On subtle and not so subtle levels this phrase may give an impression that is not doing justice to the special value or importance that those we lost had for us, for our lives, the love we shared, and the intrinsic value and uniqueness of their very existence. They meant something to us. So what exactly are we supposed to let go of? They had a very real and impactful, meaningful effect on the world, on us. The timeline of our history is interdependent with their existence, and that effect doesn't stop when their physical life function ceases.
Letting go, then, really has more to do with our relationship to the material reality our brains have mapped to. When characteristics of that material reality change abruptly, such as someone we love passing away, the brain has to work very hard to catch up on many levels of it's functioning.
From the experiential dimension of this process, psychologically, we are faced with a new version of the present, and there is no opting out, really, of the new now -- the new timeline of the present moment. Our loved one is no longer a living physical presence and force in our material existence anymore. SO it's really a letting go of "the way things were," not a letting go of our love, memories, thoughts, effects, and differences they made in our lives. It is because of all these things that out departed loved ones will always and undeniably be a part of us. And it is in reconciling with this new version of reality we are now living, that we are able to remember them, and appreciate their contributions to our lives with less and less intensity to the pain we feel from the loss trauma. Over time, as we allow it, more and more strength returns and we can begin to freely experience the empowering and continuing presence of the love we shared with our beloved in life.
From the experiential dimension of this process, psychologically, we are faced with a new version of the present, and there is no opting out, really, of the new now -- the new timeline of the present moment. Our loved one is no longer a living physical presence and force in our material existence anymore. SO it's really a letting go of "the way things were," not a letting go of our love, memories, thoughts, effects, and differences they made in our lives. It is because of all these things that out departed loved ones will always and undeniably be a part of us. And it is in reconciling with this new version of reality we are now living, that we are able to remember them, and appreciate their contributions to our lives with less and less intensity to the pain we feel from the loss trauma. Over time, as we allow it, more and more strength returns and we can begin to freely experience the empowering and continuing presence of the love we shared with our beloved in life.
I've heard the phrase "moving on" also used along with "letting go." And to my ears, especially in the event of a traumatic loss, "moving on" seems to suggest a cold and callous approach. When we love someone, and they were important parts of our life experience, does the world expect that somehow, now that they are gone, we would (or can) just carry on as if they are no longer part of our thoughts and valued components of our life structure?
Where is the recognition of how they are honored in our hearts, still loved, alive in our memories and thoughts, appreciated for all they were, and all they meant to us? Sometimes, I do worry that some people, especially those with little to no experience with loss and death, may expect the grieving to just "get over it" and not understand why they aren't functioning "normally."
Where is the recognition of how they are honored in our hearts, still loved, alive in our memories and thoughts, appreciated for all they were, and all they meant to us? Sometimes, I do worry that some people, especially those with little to no experience with loss and death, may expect the grieving to just "get over it" and not understand why they aren't functioning "normally."
I think a much better conception and expression of the appropriate, compassionate and correct idea is embodied in the phrase "moving forward."
This suggests that the arrow of time moves ever in the direction of the future, and recognizes that while we are still alive, in the midst of life changes, experiences of loss, gain, grief and joy, there are still steps to take until our own very last step is taken and breath is drawn. We are not moving OFF or away from the honored loved and lost. We are moving WITH them in our hearts into the future, and all the ways we can act to honor, remember, and still express in life, the forever imprint of love they have become for us.
"Moving forward" reminds us that even though the book of life for our loved ones has been completed, our own story does not need to stop as well. It surely does feel as if a part of us dies with them, and that's because our living story with their physical agency (material, physical life) has indeed ended with them. But, again, as our own lives do still persist as we survive, the memories, love, effects, impacts and differences they had on our lives continues as well. So there is now a new story; a new book is opened. We can call it the book of AFTERlife with our dearly departed, because we know that who we will be, and how we will live into the future, will forever be affected by all the ways our loved ones touched our lives, and have become undying parts of us.
When I've been desolate in my own grief from loss, and I have felt like giving up, I ask myself the following question: "When I pass away, would I want my loved ones to give up on life in their grief... to have nothing left to them but loss and despair, when I am gone? Did I live and love them, to have them fail in their own life stories after I go?
Of course not. I want to have made a big difference in the lives of everyone I have known, shared experiences with, and loved. I would want them filled them up with all the love and inspiration, words and thoughts of help and hope, and wish that these things would always be with them as comfort and support long after my time. I would want the imprint - the memories - of my presence to be loving, healing, to help them always find the strength to go FORWARD powerfully in life. I would be adamant that they survive, thrive, and succeed in whatever challenges they may face as they continue in their own stories. And finally, I would want that they too will finish their life's journey, leaving stories of their own love to continue on with the living, that the love they were in life, survives long after they are gone from planet earth.
The memory of my beloved says to me: I did not come into your life to share love and leave with you happy memories so that you would be in despair and fail at life - whether I live or die. I was in your life so that you would have love, help, healing, and comfort; that you would be happy, that you would make it through whatever difficulties you would face, and succeed no matter what. Now that I am gone, remember what I wanted for you. The memory you have of me is still loving you, happy to be with you, comforting, encouraging, and always there... If I made a difference for you then, let me continue to make a difference for you now. Honor my life and who I was for you, by remembering me warmly and all the affection I gave, by never giving up,always paying the love I left with you forward, and that you will remember that doing, so I can live on forever.
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